TREE 805: Heart vs identity

Hey, Jeff, maybe this is one for your journal and not the general public?

Remember in January I told you about the chain of accomplishment? I put a calendar on my wall. I put a line on every day for when I did 10 minutes of exercise, another line for 10 minutes of writing, a third for 10 minutes of British Sign Language (BSL) practice. That system worked really well through June. It got me through my Level 2 BSL exams, then it fell apart.

I developed a negative physical reaction to the thought of lines on the calendar every day. What started the year as a fun tool to help me be consistent turned into a box I can’t imagine wanting to climb back into.

Has this ever happened to you?

It might have something to do with the way my (probably) ADHD brain craves novelty. It might have something to do with some deeper work I need to do on my identity.

Here’s what’s going on.

Running and exercise are no problem. I’m outside running and doing calisthenics every weekday. I’m writing this Sunday morning and I’m already excited about tomorrow morning’s run.

I’m stuck on writing. My internal wiring has a problem with doing things that aren’t Useful. I want to write silly stories. Silly stories aren’t like TREE. They are not obviously useful. I’ve been trying to write a story about Bonanza Clementine. My heart wants to write a ridiculous adventure, but there’s a really really really deep rut in my brain that says it must be deep and profound and eye-opening and life-changing and I haven’t figured out how to get out of that rut, so the story is going nowhere.

BSL and me is a Whole Thing. In my manifesto for FFOREST, I wrote:

I draw, write and design. It doesn’t matter what environment I’m in or what job I have; I always end up drawing, writing and designing things. It’s what happens when I am me.

BSL isn’t drawing or writing or design. My self-definition was willing to go along with the BSL lark for Levels 1 and 2. Level 3 is where things start to get serious. You can get a job that requires BSL if you’ve done Level 3. My heart wants wants to go all the way to Level 6 and then do the interpreter course. My self-definition says, This is not you, Jeff. It’s throwing every mental obstacle it can find into my path. My self-definition is trying to Shut That Shit Down. Because Jeff Gill draws and writes and designs. BSL is Something Else and Something Else is a red alert, break the glass emergency. My resistance to BSL practice is strong.

Right now, I can’t tell you with certainty that my heart’s going to win on BSL or writing.

See what I mean about deep work on identity?

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If you have a story about climbing out of a deep rut or updating your identity, I’d love to read it. I’m looking for any help I can get.

Heartworms is playing Thekla in Bristol in February. I got tickets for my daughter and I over the weekend. V excited.

Grow slowly
Jeff