Back in 8th grade, my fatherās career moved us across the U.S. to Colorado. I met Leiahna in the middle school I attended. Weāve been long distance friends since a year after we met because my fatherās career then moved us back to the East Coast.
Leiahna holds tight to determination and is quietly observant. She is strong and reserved until she need not be.
It takes a lot of determination to make any relationship work and it requires effort from all parties involved. Sometimes though, we find ourselves in situations that arenāt good for us, that donāt serve us the way we serve them. What then?
We find our independence and the identity of who we lost and we hold on tight to it. Leiahna has done just that as sheās coming out the other end of the tunnel of her divorce. Still determined, with joy and light in her heart.
āSkyler
Name
Leiahna T.
Habitat
Washington
Soundtrack
My marriage started out innocent on my part. I was 18, thinking Iād just found my own Superman boyfriend to whisk me away from my ādifficult lifeā. Somehowā¦he was in the Navy before graduating high school. So he had a plan to leave and the ticket paid to do so. It became my way out too. We got married at the end of the same year we graduated high school (one star, do not recommend).
What started as the innocent infatuation that led to marriage, gradually morphed into a sinister beast that held me captive.
When I said my wedding vows, I absolutely meant every word. Even at 18 years old, I had been taught the importance, seriousness, and value of marriage; the covenant is not only between man and wife, but with God. It is important to know this because it is the only reason I made it 12 years.
Back to the beast.
The beast I fed, cared for, nurtured, put time, effort, prayer, therapy, and my whole entire heart into. Journal after journal was filled. The beast that moved my family 11 times in 11 years. The beast that took me from rental house to rental house. The beast that didnāt allow me to plant roots to grow or thrive. The beast of marriage.
The beast was quite tame most days, and always in front of others, whoād hardly ever know there was a beast at all. But as soon as we got home it became obvious that it was only me fighting against the pain and fear and ugliness and heartbreak. I was alone in marriage and alone against this beast.
May 19, 2021 I was startled awake by the sound of something breaking. Looking back, I like to think it was the shattering of those rose colored glasses Iād been wearing for the last 12 plus years. Whether that sound was in my mind or something actually breaking, I still dont know.
It woke me very suddenly and I immediately thought, āI cant do this anymore, I have to get out. Get away. Now. Today. Itās enough.ā Some may say it ws the natural timeline for a victim1 of narcissistic abuse. I know it was Godās timing. For some reason I had to make it those 12 years, if for no other reason than proving to myself that there was nothing else I could have given. No strength left to fight.
It was time to kill the beast.
There was only one way, a way that I had dreaded might be the answer for a few years by this point. To quote Adele when she was asked what her newest album is about, āDivorce, babe. Divorce.ā
For reasons I cannot go into here, it became my only option to get away and stay away after I told him I had decided to file for divorce. His response, as we cleaned up after dinner was, āWhen you come after me for all I am worth, donāt forget that Iāve already given you everything you have.ā
He grabbed a bag, walked out and another woman picked him up.
As I sit here almost two years later, still very much waiting for the divorce to be finalized, I have the beast locked in a box where it will never see the light of day again. It being there means I do not have to live in paranoia of having my character assassinated or my choices questioned daily.
I know some divorces are amiable and have to be when there are children involved. But my story isnāt like that. This divorce isnāt like that. Iām fighting for my kids, my freedoms, my joy, my dreams, and most importantly, my life.
It has been the hardest most terrifying decision I have ever made. God put me in an amazing family and incredible circle of friends to help me through this. I never would have imagined then, as a part time nursing student and a stay at home mom, that within a year I would be paying the mortgage and the kids would be thriving in school and sports.
Not everyone may be able to connect with the heartbreak of divorce, but everyone knows a betrayal of some kind. Deepest hurts from the ones who were supposed to love and protect us. This unites us. āSuffering is the heart language of the world,ā as my pastor said only last week.
What I have learned for myself cannot quite be put into words. Some of it is small like, being able to buy a new pair of shoes without having to think up justification. While some is big like, not apologizing for crying in public.
But I think thereās one piece of advice from my divorce therapist that is really important to pass on: God does not want us to stay where there is abuse, addiction, or adultery. We have made promises we meant to love and care for that person, but when there is no repentance, no change of mind or heart, we do not have to stay.
We need not remain trapped by beasts any longer, we have a choice.
I have an inner drive rom my parents that doesnāt let me give up. Itās annoying, really. At work I mutter under my breath that, āIām too damn diligentā, when itās the end of the day and I see something left incomplete. I of course, make sure it gets done.
I must do good and never tire, itās always the next best thing. Itās deep within my framework and at the fundamental core of who I am. Even if I chose to end something now, Iāve learned that I CAN END the things that are bad for me. Im trying to teach my kids the same.
We often hear, ādonāt quitā or ādonāt give upā in our formative years, but it is not always so black and white or as simple as ādoā or ādonātā. I have these two incredible kids that keep my life full of joy and wonder now and I know everyday is an example to them. I am making choices that future me will look back and be proud of. Choices that my kids will see and know that mom found a way. I have their future and my future to consider and even though my story has pieces that are dark, the light will always shine brighter.
I often think of myself as a broken vase that God not only put gently back together, but also put light into, joy in, strength in. I am broken, but beloved.
Now my light shines a more complex story. Shattered but not destroyed and fractured but healing.
I despise the word āvictimā and never use it in reference to myself. In this situation thoughā¦its hard to find a better word.
Powerful writing on a tremendously difficult situation. I truly felt the vivid imagery, the shards of a relationship, its brokenness, the way fragments of a former self emerged.
Thank you for sharing your beast story, Leiahna. I grew up with a narc father and my mom experienced a very similar ordeal for their 15 year marriage (they married at 21, he became a pastor, lots of moving us around the country, he cheated on her and with other men no less). Doing this for you and your kids? 100%! I wish my mom hadn't struggled for so long, but she found happiness again (AND with another man who loves and respects her), and she lives an amazing life now. Your courage will pave the way as you heal, building a life where the cracks are filled with gold, just like Kintsugi.