Well you made me change my opinion on what I just mentioned… about experiencing a good belief shift that didn’t stem from grief. I also want to do a better job of acknowledging that grief isn’t always sadness. It can be awkward, it can be relief, it can even be funny.
The shift doesn't necessarily come from grief, but the process of shifting always involves a loss. It could be a thing, a relationship, a state of being. This provokes an emotional response as we process the change in our bodies and our thinking. The feelings can be all over the place, as you wrote. 'Grief' is the only term I'm aware of that encompasses the process of adjusting to a loss. Unfortunately it is tied to sadness and seen as necessary but kind of a terrible thing to go through. We could do with a better term that encompasses the full spectrum of processing loss – sad, happy, tragic, triumphant, etc. Maybe a psychologist or therapist has already come up with one?
Coincidentally, the NYT Wellness newsletter that came out yesterday dealt with this very topic, only specifically related to good change!! From the article…
Because with change comes loss, said Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo. “Anytime you’re gaining something new in life, you’re giving something else up,” he said. And sometimes the result is grief, he added.
…
While grief is an internal response, Dr. Wolfelt said, mourning is “being able to share those thoughts and feelings outwardly.”
…
Dr. Oettingen’s research suggests we’re more likely to have positive feelings about transitioning from one stage of life to the next if we have a “well-rounded ending,” one that’s marked by a sense of closure.
…
Look for parts of your old identity that you can recreate. Dr. Vaughans encourages her clients to ask themselves, “What specifically am I missing, and is there a way I could get some of that back in a different form?”
—
Tying this to your comment and overall TREE post, perhaps it’s the “mourning” aspect we’re discussing here that’s on the emotional spectrum…The external process by which we manage our grief and how that helps us transition into our new selves. Even when our beliefs change, there might be something old we can bring with us. (i.e. I was church-going but when I left I missed the ritual… now I read Tarot and can enjoy the ritual again).
And now I better appreciate the purpose of a well-rounded ending, so I’ll be less inclined to eschew that part as I usually do #introvert.
PS this is all blubbering out this week because my husband and I close on a house today. It’s in New Mexico and I’ve lived in Wisconsin for 36 of my 45 years. Between TREE and that NYT article, I’ve got lots to process so thanks, Jeff, for providing a space to talk it out!
Well you made me change my opinion on what I just mentioned… about experiencing a good belief shift that didn’t stem from grief. I also want to do a better job of acknowledging that grief isn’t always sadness. It can be awkward, it can be relief, it can even be funny.
The shift doesn't necessarily come from grief, but the process of shifting always involves a loss. It could be a thing, a relationship, a state of being. This provokes an emotional response as we process the change in our bodies and our thinking. The feelings can be all over the place, as you wrote. 'Grief' is the only term I'm aware of that encompasses the process of adjusting to a loss. Unfortunately it is tied to sadness and seen as necessary but kind of a terrible thing to go through. We could do with a better term that encompasses the full spectrum of processing loss – sad, happy, tragic, triumphant, etc. Maybe a psychologist or therapist has already come up with one?
Coincidentally, the NYT Wellness newsletter that came out yesterday dealt with this very topic, only specifically related to good change!! From the article…
Because with change comes loss, said Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo. “Anytime you’re gaining something new in life, you’re giving something else up,” he said. And sometimes the result is grief, he added.
…
While grief is an internal response, Dr. Wolfelt said, mourning is “being able to share those thoughts and feelings outwardly.”
…
Dr. Oettingen’s research suggests we’re more likely to have positive feelings about transitioning from one stage of life to the next if we have a “well-rounded ending,” one that’s marked by a sense of closure.
…
Look for parts of your old identity that you can recreate. Dr. Vaughans encourages her clients to ask themselves, “What specifically am I missing, and is there a way I could get some of that back in a different form?”
—
Tying this to your comment and overall TREE post, perhaps it’s the “mourning” aspect we’re discussing here that’s on the emotional spectrum…The external process by which we manage our grief and how that helps us transition into our new selves. Even when our beliefs change, there might be something old we can bring with us. (i.e. I was church-going but when I left I missed the ritual… now I read Tarot and can enjoy the ritual again).
And now I better appreciate the purpose of a well-rounded ending, so I’ll be less inclined to eschew that part as I usually do #introvert.
PS this is all blubbering out this week because my husband and I close on a house today. It’s in New Mexico and I’ve lived in Wisconsin for 36 of my 45 years. Between TREE and that NYT article, I’ve got lots to process so thanks, Jeff, for providing a space to talk it out!
Very Buddhist, my friend. The concept of impermanence has been a life-changing one for me, especially as I get older
Yeah, getting older does that to us, doesn't it?