🔚 TREE 335: I won’t show them
One.
I spent the winter of 1994 in Moscow, Russia as a member of Bill Gothard’s Christian cult. There were 200 of us, aged 15 to 30 living on a ship in the frozen Moscow River. Every day we went out dressed in navy blue and white suits (men) and cardigans, blouses and long skirts (women) to do programmes in schools about having good character. We were Giving the World a “New” Approach to Life. (That was the actual slogan.)
The only visual difference between us and the Mormon missionaries in Moscow was that we didn’t wear name badges.
We didn’t listen to music with a demonic rock beat – basically all modern music. The subtleties of genre were lost on Bill. Men were meant to be men and women were meant to be property. We were saving our first kisses until marriage. Anyone who didn’t live like us was on a certain road to debauchery, cancer, nighttime tooth-grinding and other consequences that Bill dreamed up. The leaders told us we were the vanguard of Christianity but they treated us like irresponsible idiots. Independent thinking was not allowed. Rule breakers were sent home under a deluge of shame. We were in Moscow living under the kind of rule Russia was trying to emerge from – without the privation and murder, obvs.1
When I went home after four months of it I was wrecked. I left the organisation. It took me two years to recover. For most of those two years and often afterwards, what I wanted was for Gothard and his people to see that they were wrong. That I could live a life of health and goodness without his rules.
I never got to show them. They wouldn’t have cared if I had.
To get Bill out of my head after I got out of his cult, I had to let go of the wish to show him I was good. It wasn’t a once-for-all thing. I had to do it over and over and over again. Eventually, I was free.
Letting go is work. But I would hate to still be trapped in Bill’s cult 28 years after I left it.
If you can’t have it, let go of it quickly and often.
Two.
Is the fox small or far away?
Three.
It’s like a gospel singalong and an instagram about manifestation had a baby. But somehow it’s a good song.
This was a long one today. I couldn’t figure out how to tell it any shorter. Thanks for reading
Grow slowly
Jeff
I also made some great friends – Russian and American – and had a good deal of fun. Life is complicated like that.
Blimey! Thank you for sharing. Much wisdom here!
I’m going to second Katerina’s “blimey”! Whew! The key was the letting go. Over and over and over. Thanks for your deep sharing. Transparency here is especially significant to relate to and consider. Very encouraging to know we have to let go rather continuously. It’s a balancing act to hold life loosely, isn’t it?