🔚 TREE 334: Create your own closure
15 years ago I had a stalker
One.
A thing about churches is they attract vulnerable people. Another thing about churches is they are often led by charismatic people who are good at public speaking and know how to take an audience where they want them to go. (Hello there! says Jeff the former pastor.) The combination of these two things sometimes results in the former developing an unhealthy obsession with the latter.
In my case, she was a troubled young woman who seemed to hear voices and was convinced that my marriage to Christine was a sham. She also let me know that she knew where my kids went to school.
We had to get the police involved.
The two cops, a man and a woman, sat in our living room. We told them what was going on and handed over the ream of paper on which was printed all her emails to me.
The man was from South Africa and, like every South African I’ve met, did not mince his words. “She’s a bunny boiler. Happens all the time to pastors. Next thing you know, she’s putting sugar in your petrol tank and waiting for your kids outside their school.”
They went to talk to her, informally.
Afterwards they told us how it went. They told her she could never speak to or email me again. They said if she did, there would be serious legal consequences for her. She said that she needed to talk to me one last time, that she needed closure. The South African replied, “This, right now, is your closure.”
Fortunately, she listened to them. I never heard from her again. (Her mum did call the church and threatened to burn it down but didn’t follow through.)
My point is sometimes relationships end, you have no way to get the closure you want, and you have to create your own closure.
Two.
“I make collages from the rubbish people leave at their campsites. I sell the collages at the forest service gift shop. It’s kind of a Tyler Durden thing. He’s my hero.”
Three.
Amber Mark just released her first full length album. It’s very good.
Welcome to a new week. I’m sharing some stories and thoughts about what to do when things don’t end the way you want them to.
It would be fun to hang out, right? Let’s do a TREE hangout IRL. Wednesday 16 February, 7:30 PM at The Albion in Conwy because the beer is good and there are no TVs or sound systems to shout over. I realise this is no good for people who aren’t in North Wales. I wish I could transport you here. But if you are within weeknight driving distance, I’d love to hang out with you for a couple hours.
Grow slowly
Jeff
A quarter century or more ago, I counseled at the church when Jeff pastored my kiddos, 13, 14, and 15 years old. My kids said he was funny and I observed that, too. However, as you mentioned, Jeff, pastors are pied pipers. There were several other pipers vying for the same bowl. I listened to all sides but love was lacking in some pipers. It wasn’t pretty. Very ugly. Decision to part ways from folks you were in company with is painful but necessary to survive then thrive again. I see it as a pruning process akin to wintertime. The dead wood falls off. If I choose my people with care, I know if they don’t stick to me, it’s really okay. I’m going to thrive. How about you?
Wow. But too believable. (I'm having a lot of thoughts about the potential for narcissism, and the huge role of humility in leadership--the Tao has some wonderful words about leading...) Very wise to bring in the officials. It is their job. Recognizing each of our job, our work. It's important to know what is NOT yours to do. Thanks for sharing.