📝 TREE 810 House sitting instructions

For the final day of this week of fun things, I thought I would share a little thing I wrote recently. I don’t think it’s quite finished, but it’s nice to share work in progress with your FFOREST friends.

Happy weekend
Jeff

PS Imagine what you are about to read is a handwritten note left on the kitchen counter.

House sitting instructions

Hi, Ems

Thanks for looking after the house for us. Dad and I will be back on the 29th, probably late.

The bins need to be out before 8 AM Thursday. You can put them out Wednesday evening but not too early or Carl Sodding-Pilates (not his real name – it’s what your father calls him) will “raise an Issue” at the Village Association meeting and Things will get tedious so best to wait until at least 7 (PM Wednesday).

I’ve left food for Mr Tubby and Whiskers on the counter. Their vitamin powder is by the food. Sprinkle a big pinch on their morning meal.

Also remember to feed the cat.

Pop across to see Mrs Ketterley on Tuesday or Wednesday. I know her house smells odd – your father thinks there’s something sinister going on but I’m sure it’s just old lady smell – she been so lonely ever since her husband died and her book group disappeared and her church burnt down and her grandchildren – remind me to tell you about her grandchildren when we get back. I know you’re not vegan anymore but I’d still say no if she offers you sausages.

If you hear any banging from the basement, it’s probably just the pipes and not Anything Else because I left a casserole and a bowl of fruit down there which I think should be more than enough.

The conference website says there’s no mobile service or Wi-Fi at the venue but your father has his satellite phone just in case. Don’t call unless it’s a real emergency though – anytime he gets a call, the trackers get reactivated. We’re only just finishing up the agents from the last time. It would be nice to fill the freezer with some veggies and berries for a change this year.

There’s a bottle of fresh kombucha in the fridge, help yourself, it’s the bottle on the right. The one on the left looks the same but it’s one of your father’s experiments – I accidentally had a swig last week and I was insaitiable for the next 18 hours. Your poor father was rubbed so raw he ended up using half a tub of Nancy’s placenta balm on his willy. (Your sister is fine by the way. Eddie’s fur condition seems to be untreatable – she says she’s learning to live with it. Apparently she finds it rather arousing when he goes a couple days without shaving – maybe your father gave her a bottle of his brew.) Just make sure you pick up the kombucha because I doubt you’ll be wanting Those Effects with your break up still so fresh. Such a shame! Kyle seemed so nice, although he was never quite the same after your father took him for that pint. Any chance you’ll visit him on the mental ward?

I just remembered that Jane says about half the conference usually end up in hospital or arrested, so we might be back a day or two later – I’m sure it will be fine. It’s our first time so we’re only planning to join in with two or three of the rituals but you never know – you know how much I like a singalong. Anyway if we’re back later than planned you should probably throw some extra food in the basement. There are two arms still in the freezer – one of those. Don’t worry about thawing it, challenging food is important for enrichment. All you need to do is open the door and throw it down. DO NOT GO DOWNSTAIRS. The key is in the safe. The password to the safe is the date of The Visit (the first one).

Don’t worry about the houseplants. I watered them before we left.

Love, Mum