🤐 TREE 634: JG – leaving the club

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I acknowledged that I didn’t believe in God in February 2011. And I was still in the church club. I was still a boss in the church club.

I didn’t talk to Christine about this for several months.

I didn’t tell my family for four years.

I didn’t tell my church ever.

I was a pastor for five-and-a-half years and attended church for nearly seven years after I stopped believing in God.

The why is simple:

1. I didn’t want to destroy all my relationships.

2. I didn’t know how to take care of my family without my income as a pastor. I left graphic design in a state of near-burnout. I didn’t want to go back to it. I wasn’t even sure I could. I got out of design just before the 2008 crash. Some of my clients went out of business. All of them went through a very tough stretch. Speciality food is one of the first things you cut when money is tight.

The how is more complicated.

When I started talking with Christine about my beliefs, we got in sync pretty quickly though she will always be a more spiritual person than me.

When I finally emailed my family, they were all really kind. It was incredibly difficult for my parents. What was freedom for me was heartbreak for them. But there was never a question, except in my own dark moments, that love would continue to flow in all directions.

Carrying on as a pastor went like this: I tried to faithfully serve my church while staying true to myself. When something had to give, I tried to make sure it was me rather than my service to the people in the church. They were giving their own money to pay my salary. They deserved a pastor who did his job well and faithfully.

The cognitive dissonance gave me depression and anxiety. Every time I was quiet I realised how sad I was. I went from running eight miles to barely being able to run four. I had anxiety attacks that lasted for days. I didn’t tell anyone. I was still able to function, so I kept functioning. Eventually, it got bad enough that I talked to Christine, then my doctor. I got some therapy, which helped. But the cure, the right thing for me and for the church, was for me to stop living a dishonest life.

By the end of 2015 Christine and I realised we had to quit whether we had a proper plan in place or not. We gave the church eight months notice so there would be plenty of time to get replacements in place and hopefully get our post-church act together.

We didn’t get it that together. I went back to freelance design and worked part-time running a project funded by the Heritage Lottery. Christine got a job for a little while at a nursery, but our youngest daughter’s needs were such that she had to quit. After two years of under-employment, I found a full-time job as a graphic designer.

During that time, we racked up debts that we will finally finish paying off in February 2024. That was the price we paid to be free to live honestly in the world.

Is your faith so right
Are you so blessed
Everybody wanders in the forest
Is your heart so true
Are you that good
Everybody wanders in the woods

Also the bass.

Try to find ways to be honest faster than I did. Give yourself grace when you don’t.

Grow slowly
Jeff