🐻 TREE 505: If you can’t beat ’em

Advice from The Bears, part 3

The trouble with Jeff is that he’s soft – too much believing the best about others, too much working on your own shit. It’s all woo woo in-your-head stuff. And he’s a fake – doesn’t live in a forest. That’s all made up. He lives in a normal row house in a quiet valley in England. The wuss wouldn’t last a night in a real forest – the kind spelled with one F.

It’s nasty out there. You gotta eat the salmon before they eat you. And you’re not going to learn that from the sop Jeff’s been spoon-feeding you all year.

So we’ve locked him in the back of the cave for a week and we’re taking over with some down-on-the-forest-floor claws and teeth advice that will help you rip what you deserve out of life.

—The Bears

This a beautiful Ukrainian folk song that you know as Carol of the Bells. The reason we love it is that if you force your victim to listen to this playlist for 24 hours on repeat, they will almost certainly have a mental breakdown. —The Bears

We’ll be hibernating after this week, so you might as well unsubscribe after Thursday. If Jeff slips past us and out of the cave, he’ll probably be back on Monday 9 January with the the same old lame-ass morning dreck you’re used to. —The Bears

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