🐻 TREE 503: Don’t give a man a fish

Advice from The Bears, part 1

The trouble with Jeff is that he’s soft – too much believing the best about others, too much working on your own shit. It’s all woo woo in-your-head stuff. And he’s a fake – doesn’t live in a forest. That’s all made up. He lives in a normal row house in a quiet valley in England. The wuss wouldn’t last a night in a real forest – the kind spelled with one F.

It’s nasty out there. You gotta eat the salmon before they eat you. And you’re not going to learn that from the sop Jeff’s been spoon-feeding you all year.

So we’ve locked him in the back of the cave for a week and we’re taking over with some down-on-the-forest-floor claws and teeth advice that will help you rip what you want out of life.

—The Bears

We like this version because it sounds like the reason she’ll be lonely this Christmas is she murdered the guy she used to be with. —The Bears

We’ll be hibernating after this week, so you might as well unsubscribe after Thursday. If Jeff slips past us and out of the cave, he’ll probably be back on Monday 9 January with the the same old lame-ass morning dreck you’re used to. —The Bears