👏🏼FIELD GUIDE 55: What it’s all about

Almost 4 years ago, my husband Matt began this wild journey into playing paintball on a team. The team travels for tournaments and practices every Sunday. They’re essentially an extension of our family.

Per the recommendation of April, who joined us for FIELD GUIDE a few moons ago (and is someone I met through paintball as well), I have learned that Kenny is quite the writer.

On top of being a great dad and husband, a friend that will always show up for you, a teammate who is always cheering you on, and someone who you’re never safe eating a banana around, he came to me with a FIELD GUIDE that really drives home the meaning behind what this bi-weekly segment is all about.

We’re real people, doing real jobs, living real lives, doing the best we can. We strive to do better, make better, and be better just like everyone else.

What can we do better this week?

-Skyler

Name

Ken H

Occupation

Business owner

Habitat

Richmond Hill, GA

Soundtrack

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Hello, I was asked awhile back by one of my friends to write something for her.

I hesitated for months due to the fact I’ve always been a bit self-conscious when it comes to allowing others to enter that realm I like to keep hidden. You see, I’ve never been good at punctuation, spelling or even English for that matter, and when I do allow others to read something I’ve written it causes a deep nauseous feeling within me.

Perhaps its fear of ridicule or even a fear of some kind of rejection of my opinion on topics or my take on subjects. I’m really not sure, it’s one of those things that’s hard for me to explain. As I’ve grown older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve learned that this anxiety is not an uncommon issue and I share this with many others.

Kenny is on the top row, all the way to the left. This was after both Savannah Titans lines took second place in tournament.

I like to tell myself courage is not the absence of fear, but instead courage is having the ability to push through and meet a goal despite being scared shitless. So maybe its time to apply this thought when it comes to the above statements. Although, I’m slightly trembling and cringe at the thought of others getting to read this, I’m going to finally give it a shot.

The fact that she is a friend to me and asked me this favor coupled with the coasting and encouragement from my wife and adopted sister doesn’t hurt either.

When approached with this…. I’ll call it an opportunity 😉 one of my hesitations was what on earth to write about. I mean I’m a 46-year-old father of two in my opinion average guy. I’ve never done anything I’ve felt was a worthy enough story to capture any audience’s attention. Never rushed into a burning building to save a litter of kittens, never jumped on a live grenade, never had to save my heard of cattle from some restless dangerous villains.

I’m not someone who considers themselves an expert on any one subject either. I was drawing a blank. Couple that with my anxiety issue (of which I never told her) and I thought I got to get out of this.

So, as I was trying to pathetically worm my way out of this assignment by explaining to her that I had nothing to write about and I wasn’t going to do it, she asked me, “What are you passionate about?”.

WOW! That’s a powerful question. It had been a long time since I listened when someone else had asked me that, and sadly an even longer time since I truly asked myself that. It didn’t take long before I realized what I was passionate about, but how could I put this into words and on paper. Here’s my attempt;

I cannot lie on this forum and say that I’ve always been proud of myself or some of the decisions I made. I was a reckless child, teenager and young adult.

I’ve made decisions that I will never be proud of. Mistakes that can never be taken back, hurt those I loved and burned bridges beyond repair. Keeping these thoughts, memories and guilt is my penance, I will not allow myself to forget or forgive myself for these. It’s also what leads me to what I’m passionate about and that’s the pursuit of being a better person each day than I was the day before.

I will not allow myself to think any other way about the sun rise and its daily gift to me, which is its opportunity to be a better father, husband, friend, mentor, student, communicator or simply in my lack of a wider vocabulary a better human than yesterday. Ernest Hemingway wrote, “‘There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”

I believe I was in my mid to late 20’s when I read that, hell it may have been in my early 30’s. It struck a nerve with me, and I have used it to help me accept who I was, to be a person who is happier with who they are now and a person with a simple goal of being better tomorrow. I also will not lie to you and say I don’t have setbacks. I think we all do.

But for me, and what that sun rise represents to me nowadays, a setback is just a small ant mound easily passable.