❤️‍🩹FIELD GUIDE 20: Recovery discoveries

Jenna is a friend of mine that is inspiring in everything she does. She is the encouragement those that are close to her need. From big things like asking for the raise you want and deserve, to small things like deciding to purchase something you’ve had an eye on, Jenna is there cheering you on.

At one time, Jenna was the one that needed the encouragement to keep going.

Manoeuvring through life means you will encounter people at all stages of self-improvement. What is the best way to support those that are actively seeking help for addiction or are in recovery?

Name

Jenna Fuchs

Occupation

Software Engineer

Habitat

Maple Grove, Minnesota

Soundtrack

I think to truly understand my sobriety journey, you need to know a little background that lead up to that point. I was always a drinker. I grew up thinking drinking alcohol was normal, even excessively from time to time. My family drank. My friends drank. So, I drank.

Happy and need to celebrate? Let’s grab a drink!

Have a crappy day? Let’s grab a drink!

Bored? Let’s grab a drink!

I drank a bit before I turned 21, and then more frequently once I was of age. Binge drinking happened when I was out with friends, but it wasn’t on a weekly basis. At first.

The Tunnel

When I was 27, I lost my younger brother to suicide. He was one of my best friends, and I had no idea what I would do without him in my life. Immediately after his death, I told myself I couldn't drink - I needed to feel these feelings and process them. I think I went three or four weeks before my first drink. It went downhill from there.

I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. Adding on the grief of losing someone so close to me to suicide made me spiral out of control. Alcohol became the only way I could numb the sadness. It started with every weekend, but quickly changed to daily consumption of alcohol. I would get blackout drunk on a daily basis. It was the only way I could calm the racing thoughts in my brain enough to sleep – if you can even call it sleep when you're drinking until you pass out.

My friends knew I would get out of control when we were all together, but no one said anything. Maybe they didn’t realize how bad it was. No one was with me all of the time, so they didn’t know it was happening even when I was alone.

To be honest, I wanted to die. I couldn't imagine continuing on without my brother. I would chase down my antidepressants with a bottle of pinot noir, and then take a couple Xanax for good measure. Each morning, I would be frustrated that I woke up.

On July 20, 2013, I went to a friend’s wedding. I told myself I would alternate wine and water so I didn't get out of control. I bet you can guess what happened next.

At one point I was crying in the bathroom. I decided I wanted to go home, so I grabbed my purse. However, my keys were gone. Turns out a friend of mine saw how drunk I was and wanted to stop me from driving home. After I confronted him about it, he stood in front of me like a brick wall. Easily six inches taller, he towered over me. He told me he couldn’t keep watching me do this to myself. I was a drunk and I was out of control. If I kept doing this, I would die. He had no idea that was what I wanted.

Fast forward to the next morning. I woke at home in my own bed. I had driven half an hour on the interstate to get there – no idea how I managed to do so, because I don’t remember it.

The words of my friend rattled in my brain. It was like flipping a switch. I knew right then that I could not drink anymore.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I was so afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of facing all of my demons. But I knew it was the only way I would make it.

I started AA right away. After my first meeting, I knew it was the right choice. I walked out of that room with a glimmer of hope for my future.

One of the first decisions I made was that I would not keep my sobriety a secret. There is nothing shameful about finding help when you need it. I will always be an alcoholic, and I refuse to feel ashamed about it. Instead, I will be loud and proud.

I’ve now been sober for over 3,000 days. That's a whole lot of “one day at a time”. I can’t count how many of my friends have privately talked to me about concerns about their own alcohol use. Being open and honest about my journey has inspired others to find help – and that continues to confirm that I made the right choice.

Coming out the other side

Everyone’s recovery journey is different.

Relapse is common for many reasons. Fortunately, once I stopped, I was able to never go back. The first few months were so difficult. I didn’t know who sober Jenna was. I didn’t have a drink in my hand to hide the anxious fidgeting. Alcohol had been such a large part of my personality. It helped me to not care what others thought of me. After a few drinks, I could dance like no one was watching, approach that attractive stranger at the bar, be the center of attention, and love every moment of it. Without alcohol… I was terrified.

Thankfully, my friends didn’t drop me when I dropped the drink. They were so supportive of my choice, and I will forever be grateful for each of them. After a few months, I started to adventure with them to breweries and stuff again – as the sober driver of course. They treated me like a queen! Everyone always made sure I had a nonalcoholic beverage and something tasty to eat. If I was overwhelmed or wanted to go, I would herd them like cats and make sure they all got home safely. It was nice to know that if they needed a safe ride, they knew they could count on me.

As the months passed, the craving for alcohol completely vanished. I don’t want the drunk feeling anymore. The one thing I miss is the companionship of having an ice-cold drink on a patio on a summer evening. It’s just not the same with a soda or a water. Thankfully, there are more and more companies coming out with fancy nonalcoholic beverages these days.

Do I wish I had gotten sober earlier? I honestly don’t think I can answer that. Everything that I went through brought me to where I am today. There was a lot of trauma, so much hurt, and an incredible amount of anger – but I strongly believe I am the loving and compassionate person I am today because of what I have been through. If I had tried to quit earlier, I don’t know if I would have been ready. Looking back, I was ready when I woke up on July 21, 2013. I knew I was done. I was able to close the book on that chapter and move forward into the next. If I hadn’t been ready, I think it would have been much more turbulent. Probably relapse, maybe even worse.

Just as everyone’s journey through recovery is different, the way to support them is different too.

Some people are very private and do not wish to discuss anything about it. Some may want to shout their accomplishments from the rooftops. While others may lie somewhere in the middle. If you have a family member or friend in recovery, please ask them if and how you can support them in their journey. If they are open to discussing it, listen to their story. Acknowledge the strength it took to get help. Tell them how proud you are of them. Suggest activities that don’t revolve around alcohol. On the other hand, still invite them to things where alcohol may be – let them make the educated decision on whether they want to attend. Always give them an easy way out of a situation if they feel uncomfortable. Don’t assume they will always be your sober driver, and reward them greatly if they offer to do so for you.

As of today, I have 3,253 days of sobriety. There are only 34 days until I reach 9 years without a drink. That’s something I am extremely proud of!

I’m Jenna, and I’m an alcoholic.

Learn more

Jenna found what she needed through Alcoholics Anonymous and recommends anyone seeking help to start there. “You can find meetings. If you dont like that one, try another one. Keep trying until you find one that fits. Keep going back.”

If you are a family member, or friend, or just want to support someone close to you that is in recovery, Al-Anon is a great resource.

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