A thing about churches is they attract vulnerable people. Another thing about churches is they are often led by charismatic people who are good at public speaking and know how to take an audience where they want them to go. (Hello there! says Jeff the former pastor.) The combination of these two things sometimes results in the former developing an unhealthy obsession with the latter.
In my case, she was a troubled young woman who seemed to hear voices and was convinced that my marriage to Christine was a sham. She also let me know that she knew where my kids went to school.
We had to get the police involved.
The two cops, a man and a woman, sat in our living room. We told them what was going on and handed over the ream of paper on which was printed all her emails to me.
The man was from South Africa and, like every South African I’ve met, did not mince his words. “She’s a bunny boiler. Happens all the time to pastors. Next thing you know, she’s putting sugar in your petrol tank and waiting for your kids outside their school.”
They went to talk to her, informally.
Afterwards they told us how it went. They told her she could never speak to or email me again. They said if she did, there would be serious legal consequences for her. She said that she needed to talk to me one last time, that she needed closure. The South African replied, “This, right now, is your closure.”
Fortunately, she listened to them. I never heard from her again. (Her mum did call the church and threatened to burn it down. She didn’t.)
My point is: sometimes relationships end, you have no way to get the closure you want, and you have to create your own closure.
—Jeff
This is one of my favorite TREEs. I remember the first time I read it with my mouth open. And then, I remember the comfort that I received in knowing I’m not strange for not seeking closure at the end of some of the relationships I’ve had in my life. Sometimes the end is just all we need.
Grow slowly
Skyler
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This really stuck with me. The story itself is intense, but the takeaway is so simple and grounded: sometimes closure isn’t something you get from the other person, it’s a decision you make for yourself. I liked how straightforwardly you framed that, because it’s the kind of reminder most people need but rarely hear said this plainly.
Reflections of my life are presenting automatically. I remember, enjoy, and release as if I won't pass that way again. I'm definitely observing a phase of growing older. ❤️🔥