❤️ TREE 199: The kids don’t come first

This week is Christine’s and my 25th wedding anniversary. We’re sharing things that make our relationship thrive. We hope some of them will be useful to you.

The kids do come first in so many ways. But not emotionally, not relationally. We are lovers and friends first, parents second. We think that makes us better parents.

Putting our relationship first means we are a functioning team. We work together to raise our kids. Our relationship means we are parenting from a place of security. We know that we have a safe person to retreat to when the kids are too much.

Putting our relationship first means we continue to develop as humans. We don’t try to live our lives through our children. That gives the kids space to be who they are.

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The flip side

Working on your relationship is great. It’s easier and more fun when your partner is someone you keep liking more and more the longer you are with them.

Christine and I got lucky in the compatibility department. We barely dated. Living on two continents pre-internet made it difficult. Our engagement was 10 months, during which we saw each other for 10 weeks. We didn’t really really know each other on our wedding day. And yet here we are. We liked each other when we met. We kept liking each other more while we learned how to build a life together. We like each other even more now.

We don’t know exactly how that kind of match is made, but it’s entirely worth trying for.

Grow together
Jeff & Christine

This is a sad but beautiful song about a failed marriage.

The Memory of TREE playlist – every song from every email: